I am the epitome of the Single Life (baby!) Everything I do represents this lifestyle. My schedule is packed with girl time, me time, building my empire so I do not have to settle for being in a relationship for monetary gains or security, volunteering for women that are in poor relationships, and just flat out screaming out my windows: STAY SINGLE! (Despite not having a sponsor that had this point of view... yes, I am one of those sponsors who strongly suggests staying out of a relationship in the first year of sobriety).
After a year and ten months of non-stop self discovery through recovery, proclaiming to everyone I encounter how happy I am to be single and planning on staying single until the perfect person that abides to HP's will crosses my path... yet making it very clear to my family that not only will I not marry but have retired my dating career... the late night wandering thought comes in my mind...
"Why am I still single? "
"Are my standards too high?
" Is there something wrong with me? "
Hey, we're human! It has been genetically encoded in a woman's DNA since the dawn of time : True happiness and success will be granted only when we are married and bear children. As redundant and pedantic that stupid "fact" sounds, most women still have that thought cross their mind! Regardless of their strong decision to stay single, and if they tell me otherwise, I just have to doubt they do not self doubt, for even typing this makes me cringe and I rather keep in deeply lodged in my pre-frontal cortex "...Where is my soulmate? Um... do I even have one?" When I get in one of these moods, Step 6 in the 12 Steps and Twelve Tradition really explains this thought pattern very well.
Since most of us are born with an abundance of natural desires, it isn't strange that we often let these fears far exceed their intended purpose. p65
The alcoholic brain tells me "You're just gonna get older, harder to deal with, and more alone... and one day you're gonna look around and you're gonna realize that everyone loves you! But nobody likes you... and if you think you feel lonely now? No, my dear... that is the loneliest feeling in the world."
The scientist in me dissects this thought pattern. Why are most movie plots about romance? Do movie producers know what humanity truly desires? On the other hand, we could just be experiencing another form of false advertisement. Perhaps true love, or for me at least, does not exist. I am a hopeless romantic. If I ever fall in love again, (and believe me the highs in my love life were just as extreme as they were low) I may be extremely disappointed, for what I seek in a romantic relationship simply does not exist. I cannot claim these words, for they were said by a really intelligent young man that I am honored to call a close friend whose insight is beyond anything I have ever encountered:
"All people, at their core, want to be loved and accepted by someone who isn't their own flesh and blood"
AA is great. The bonds you find there will be stronger than any relationship imaginable; blood , romantic, etc. etc... And I have those amazing bonds! I have everything I can ever ask for, so why is this annoying natural desire to be loved as much or more than my own family keep me up at night from time to time? Why do I find myself seeking for something that does not exist? Look, people. I am by no means an expert in anything, let alone romance. However, with experience, a clear mind, and tons of step studies, prayer, meditation, and self reflection, I think a good resolution I can CURRENTLY conclude to is simply this:
Perhaps I am willfully demanding something (i.e an ideal relationship that I am absolutely besotted with) to supply me with more satisfaction and fulfillment that is ever possible. How easy it can be, in the absence (for quite a while I might add) of a long term relationship, to forget all the heartaches, sleepless nights, worrying, and sacrifices that undeniably happen when you share your life with someone. Perhaps God does not want me to depart from the degree of perfection that He wishes me to obtain here on Earth. Or maybe... just maybe... I do not have a clue of what I am talking about! Lots of questions go unanswered, and this may perhaps be one of them. Single life: Blessing and a curse... That is my final answer. For now.
Written and posted by Andrea E.
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